UK Politics & Public Life
Huge Income Boost Of £150 Asked To Cover Entire Year Without Fuss
Benefit uprating sends £150 to face a year’s bills, then gives it an adjective and a polite briefing.
Fenella Sprocket
Fenella received her doctorate after completing an online personality test which described her as “highly analytical.” She approaches every scientific breakthrough with rigorous scepticism unless it has been forwarded to her by somebody called Carol. Her current research concerns whether drinking water is still good for you or whether they've changed that again.
Business & Economy
Britain Unlocks £10bn Investment, Discovers It Is Still A Verb
The UK investment partnership says £10bn could arrive by 2030, so ministers have unlocked a spreadsheet and begun looking under the furniture.
World
UN Evaluation Meeting Vows to Act Once It Has Defined Action
At the UN evaluation meeting, fifty four agencies defined action, reviewed impact and safely hid the lessons behind a password.
Travel & Transport
Northern Transport Investment To Deliver Train Before Passenger Retires
Northern transport investment will cut eight minutes from Manchester to Leeds, leaving passengers only forty-two minutes to distrust the announcement.
Health & Lifestyle
World TB Day Funding Pledge Arrives In Extremely Small Envelope
World TB Day leaders have promised to commit, invest and deliver, although finance has interpreted all three verbs as optional stationery.
Science & Technology
Astronaut Homecoming Delayed While Earth Locates A Spare Chair
The astronaut homecoming has entered its hardest phase: being welcomed by people with lanyards, clipboards and a mandatory wellbeing survey.