Sport
Canoe Race Must Overtake Several Regulations Before The Finish
The canoe race can proceed once competitors have negotiated the fastest-moving obstacle on British water: official navigation guidance.
Penelope Crumb-Wainscot
Penelope resigned as administrator of her neighbourhood WhatsApp group following an eleven-month constitutional dispute over bin night. She now documents the continuing collapse of British civilisation, including men wearing shorts in restaurants, children possessing opinions, and cafés serving anything in a jam jar.
World
UN Youth Forum On Future Not Covered Because Present Has No Cash
The UN Youth Forum explored green jobs and innovative finance without meeting coverage because conventional finance had left the building.
Culture & Entertainment
Living Heritage Inventory Asked Whether Queueing Is Too Obvious
The living heritage inventory will preserve Britain's customs, crafts and ancient ritual of apologising to furniture after walking into it.
Science & Technology
Formation Flying Achieves Spacecraft Version Of Waving In Car Park
Formation flying spacecraft found each other with a laser after trying the orbital equivalent of standing by the trolley bay.
UK Politics & Public Life
Local Audit Backlog To Be Cleared By Creating Exciting New Backlog
The local audit backlog will receive sixteen commitments, a new office and enough momentum to become somebody else's quarterly problem.
Business & Economy
Gambling Commission Backs Safer Betting On Another Review
The Gambling Commission business plan promises safer betting, illegal-market action and a review so thorough it may need its own regulator.
Health & Lifestyle
Winter Viruses Ask If 600,000 NHS Bed Days Earn a Free Coffee
Four winter viruses turn nearly 600,000 NHS bed days into the only loyalty scheme the public was never invited to join.
Travel & Transport
Cycling Strategy Delayed Until Britain Finds a Road It Can Spare
Britain’s cycling and walking strategy is delayed until officials find a route not occupied by delivery vans, potholes or basic obstruction.
World
Zero Waste Fashion Saves Planet By Flying Dress Round It
Zero waste fashion celebrates the UN day by flying a reusable dress worldwide and calling the luggage allowance a circular economy.
Business & Economy
Bank Stress Test Finds Lenders Ready for Armageddon, Not a Phone Call
Britain’s lenders pass the Bank of England stress test, then confront their real threat: a customer calling with an actual question.