World
International Day of Sport finds peace until handball claim
International Day of Sport finds peace until a handball claim turns 37 delegates into the world’s least helpful football team.
The Lawn · Collected editions
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Page 5 · 6 Apr 2025 to 1 Apr 2025
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UK Politics & Public Life
Huge Income Boost Of £150 Asked To Cover Entire Year Without Fuss
Benefit uprating sends £150 to face a year’s bills, then gives it an adjective and a polite briefing.
Travel & Transport
Shropshire Bus Timetable Becomes First Service To Turn Up
Shropshire bus timetable arrives perfectly on time, unlike buses, and gives passengers a precise new way to be disappointed.
UK Politics & Public Life
EU Decides Peace Symbol Probably Had It Coming
Bureaucrats conclude iconic bird guilty of ‘unauthorised tranquillity’ and failing to file appropriate hope permits. BRUSSELS – Forget olive branches. The European Union just declared open season on the European…
Science & Technology
Mars May Have Had Life, ESA Checks It Has Parking
ESA's Hera Mars flyby surveys Oxia Planum for a 2030 rover, proving even a dead planet needs a property inspection before science can begin.
Business & Economy
Civil Servants Spend Weeks Deciding if Retaliatory Tariff Should Apply to Peanut Butter Cups
Emergency Subcommittee Formed to Analyse Chocolate-to-Peanut Butter Ratio Impact on National Morale UPPER PIDDLEWORTH – Forget cars or steel. Britain’s crack team of trade negotiators faces its real challenge: American…
UK Politics & Public Life
Stabbing Statistics Confirm School Still Excellent Preparation For Modern Britain
Ministry lauds accidental curriculum for fostering ‘essential street-level resilience’ and ‘enhanced evasive manoeuvring’. In findings described as “unintentionally gratifying,” the latest government statistics revealing a rise in serious knife incidents…
Health & Lifestyle
Winter Viruses Ask If 600,000 NHS Bed Days Earn a Free Coffee
Four winter viruses turn nearly 600,000 NHS bed days into the only loyalty scheme the public was never invited to join.
Culture & Entertainment
Heritage Revival Fund Asks Pub Why It Is Still Open
The £20m Heritage Revival Fund saves a historic pub by asking its trustees to survive the paperwork first.
Business & Economy
Britain Unlocks £10bn Investment, Discovers It Is Still A Verb
The UK investment partnership says £10bn could arrive by 2030, so ministers have unlocked a spreadsheet and begun looking under the furniture.
World
UN Gives Peace April to Get Its Act Together
The UN puts Sustainable Development Goal 16 on April's calendar and hopes peace, justice and strong institutions can attend.
UK Politics & Public Life
Infrastructure Delivery Authority Awaits Delivery Of Its Own Headquarters
The new authority will speed up roads, railways and hospitals as soon as it acquires a building from which to accelerate them.