Sport
FA Cup Statistics Arrive Early To Explain What Match Will Mean
FA Cup statistics have previewed the semi-finals so thoroughly that the football itself now feels like supporting evidence.
The Lawn · Collected editions
The Archive
Page 43 · 23 Apr 2025 to 18 Apr 2025
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Science & Technology
Portable Oxygen Unit Weighs 5kg And Refuses To Explode Politely
Portable oxygen now comes in a five-kilogram unit that reuses breath and leaves traditional cylinders feeling needlessly dramatic.
Health & Lifestyle
Cancer Plan Easy Read Still Requires A 50 Page Appointment
The cancer plan easy read makes a vital consultation more accessible, though brevity has been referred to another department.
Culture & Entertainment
Mai Zetterling Guide Starts Sensibly Before Reaching Blue Cheese Moon
A Mai Zetterling guide offers beginners a sensible entrance before cinema leads them towards a moon made of blue cheese.
Business & Economy
Help To Save Rewards Anyone Who Can Understand Bonus Formula
Help to Save is expanding, offering a useful government bonus and the luxurious financial experience of having money left to save.
World
Multilateral Diplomacy Achieves Unity Across Six Translation Channels
Multilateral diplomacy celebrated unity in six languages, allowing every nation to hear precisely why the next speaker needed another minute.
UK Politics & Public Life
Breakfast Clubs Return 95 Hours Parents Mislaid Behind Toaster
Breakfast clubs will return 95 hours a year to parents, who are advised to store the time somewhere children cannot spill cereal on it.
Travel & Transport
Bridge Strikes Still Not Prevented By Hoping Excavator Ducks
Bridge strikes remain stubbornly possible because large machinery has once again declined to become shorter through positive thinking.
Sport
Canoe Race Must Overtake Several Regulations Before The Finish
The canoe race can proceed once competitors have negotiated the fastest-moving obstacle on British water: official navigation guidance.
Science & Technology
Planning AI Reads Council PDF Before Council Finds Correct PDF
Planning AI can digitise old records in 40 seconds, leaving councils free to spend two hours locating the correct attachment.
Health & Lifestyle
Body Checks Lose To Bank Balance And Tomorrow’s Drizzle
Body checks trail bank balances and weather forecasts because apparently overdrafts and light rain deserve closer surveillance.
Culture & Entertainment
Late Pub Hours Granted So Nation Can Remember With One More Round
Late pub hours will mark VE Day by giving remembrance the solemn dignity of somebody ordering crisps at 12.47am.